Mother! when will brother die?
An article:- writer(Urdu) anonymous, translated by Hooria and revised by Poetria( Her interest is to learn foreign languages on net. she knows English, Ancient Greek, Latin)
Mother! When will brother die?
Long ago I read a Turkish fiction. It was a story based on a husband, wife and their three children who were getting along with difficulty. All their capital and belongings were expended on the treatment of the head of the family, but still took to his bed and one day leaving his children orphan behind him he passed away. According to the custom, meal was delivered to their home for three days. On the fourth day that poverty stricken and afflicted family kept on looking for meal, but people were engaged in their business now. No one given heed to this family. Children time and again dashed out of the home and gazed at the smoke rising from the chimney of the front white house, considering that meal was being prepared for them. Whenever they heard the sound of footsteps they perceive as someone was advancing towards them holding a dish full of eatables, but no one knocked at their door.
A mother is after all a mother. She searched out some dried loaves of bread and wheedling through those she made them to sleep. Next day again they were in confrontation with hunger. What was in that indigent house that could be sold? Even though after a great quest a couple of things were run against to be sold to ragman and by that made up their meal for couple of days or so. When that money was also consumed again then they were at the cost of their lives. The mother couldn’t stand to see the heartless faces of her children.
On the seventh day, the mother wrapped in a big coverlet was standing at the shop of the retailer of the colony. The shopkeeper after entertaining other customers turned towards her to attend her. When she asked for some ration on credit, the shopkeeper not only refused spades a spade but also reproached her. So she had to return home bare hands.
On one hand the suffering from the asunder of the death of the father and on the other hand successive starvation collectively made the eight year old child sick, he lost his spirit and took to bed.
What to speak of medication there was not even a morsel top eat. All four (mother and her three children) were sitting on a couch. The mother was putting a wet kerchief on the forehead of the eight year old child who was drenched in high fever, whereas a five year old sister was also attending her brother. Suddenly she got up, came to her mother and whispered in her ear. “Mother! When will brother die?” On hearing this dagger runs through her (mother) heart. She dashed her head with her side and asked,” my child what are you saying?”
The girl with infancy said, yes mother we have something to eat only when brother will die”.
If we take a fancy to our neighborhood, we will have more than one such story scattered around us.
I am saying it with very apologetically that our society has become cold hearted and are dead worshippers. No one inquires after an old man in his life, when the same old man passes away then his lips are greased with ghee to pretend that the old man died luxuriously.
Perhaps Saddat Hassan Manto has narrated this story that there came a starving person in any dwelling. He kept on begging for something to eat, but no one bounty him anything to eat. At night he lied down on the pavement in front of a shop. In the morning people found him dead. Now Muslim’s Islamic spirit awoke. Subscription was raised in bazaar and cauldrons were put on fire.
On witnessing this scene a man said, “Now you are putting cauldrons on fire. Had you given some morsels to eat, he would not have died”.
Last days a person put oblation on a shrine of Rs 10000, where many children were wondering there wearing either the top deprived of bottom and vice versa.
Hazrat Mujdded Alif Sani used to narrate alive deserve more of the oblation that you put on shrine than the dead.
A man went on protesting along with his wife and children for his paid off amount, but everyone turned a deaf ear to his protesting. Being so depressed he committed suicide. On that all the amount was paid (Asla!).
Is our spirit of faith only for dead?
Please! Regard those who are living around you.
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Revised Paragraph
Mother! When will brother die?
Long ago I read a Turkish fiction. It was a story based on a husband, wife and their three children who were getting along with difficulty. All their capital and belongings was expended on the treatment of the head of the family, but [he] still took to his bed and one day leaving his children orphan behind him he passed away. According to the custom, meal was delivered to their home for three days. On the fourth day that poverty stricken and afflicted family kept on looking for a meal, but people were engaged in their business now. No one given [gave] heed to this family. Children time and again dashed out of the home and gazed at the smoke rising from the chimney of the front white house, considering that means was being prepared for them. Whenever they heard the sound of footsteps they perceive as someone was advancing towards them holding a dish full of eatables, but no one knocked at their door.
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a story about
I don’t think you can write ‘a story based on a person’ – you can write ‘a story based on life’
Cf. Kareem later wrote a short story based on life in his neighborhood
he took to his bed
“ but [he] still took to his bed and one day leaving his children orphan behind him he passed away.” – he still took to his bed and one day he passed away having left his children orphans.
Cf. To the same persons: Strato has passed away, having left all his mortal remains on earth.
I think you can leave out ‘behind him’. It is obvious.
Or better ‘meals were delivered’
“Children time and again dashed out of the home and gazed at the smoke rising from the chimney of the front white house, considering that meal was being prepared for them. “
– Time and again, children dashed out of their home and gazed at smoke rising from a chimney in the front of a white house. They dreamt of meals being prepared for them.
—
A mother is after all a mother. She searched out some dried loaves of bread and wheedling through those she made them to sleep.
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dried loaves – stale loaves
“wheedling through those she made them to sleep.” – she wheedled them into falling asleep by appeasing their hunger.
make – to force somebody to do something
make somebody do something
They made me repeat the whole story.
be made to do something
She must be made to comply with the rules.make somebody
He never cleans his room and his mother never tries to make him.
I think ‘make’ with ‘to’ would be correct in passive. 🙁
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Next day again they were in confrontation with hunger. What was in that indigent house that could be sold? Even though after a great quest a couple of things were run against to be sold to ragman and by that made up their meal for couple of days or so. When that money was also consumed again then they were at the cost of their lives. The mother couldn’t stand to see the heartless faces of her children.
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they faced hunger
I have found only one passage containing ‘in confrontation with hunger’. It is not wrong but not used.
You could write: “they had a confrontation with hunger” but it is too wordy for this context.
Cf. “ Usually known for eloquence in court and finesse on the battlefield, the once model knight has a humorous confrontation with hunger rather than conventional jousts and witty repartees.”
In this passage ‘hunger’ belongs to a literary universe created by a medieval writer. While this is a description in metalanguage (a critic describes a literary work), you are telling a story. That’s why I don’t think this expression is suitable for your text.
Better: “They were confronted with hunger” but I have the feeling that it is too formal for a story.
even though – the second part of a sentence is missing
Cf. Usage note: although / even though / though
You can use these words to show contrast between two clauses or two sentences. Though is used more in spoken than in written English. You can use although, even though and though at the beginning of a sentence or clause that has a verb. Notice where the commas go: Although/Even though/Though everyone played well, we lost the game. ◇ We lost the game, although/even though/though everyone played well.
I think ‘run against’ is a phrasal verb which has a different meaning:
Run against
Meaning: Oppose, make difficulties
Example: Opinion is RUNNING AGAINST his policies and he has very little support.
“Even though after a great quest a couple of things were run against to be sold to ragman and by that made up their meal for couple of days or so. “
They turned everything in the house upside down/ they made a great search and/after a great quest they found a couple of things that could be sold to a ragman. Thanks to this they were able to afford some food that made up their meals for some days or so.
‘Quest’ is not wrong, I have found more examples with ‘search’ though. “Quest’ may be more formal. Just style matter.
‘Couple’ repeated twice in one sentence doesn’t sound good.
This sentence was difficult to correct. You begin with the passive voice and then you switch to the active. At first glance I couldn’t find the subject in the second part.
I understand that you mean ‘things sold to a ragman’ but they couldn’t eat them directly so there is gap in your reasoning. They had to buy food for the money they had received from the ragman and then this food made up their meals. 🙂
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On the seventh day, the mother wrapped in a big coverlet was standing at the shop of the retailer of the colony. The shopkeeper after entertaining other customers turned towards her to attend her. When she asked for some ration on credit, the shopkeeper not only refused spades a spade but also reproached her. So she had to return home bare hands.
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I think ‘in the shop’ would be better. ‘At the shop’ suggests ‘at the shop door’.
A retailer – we don’t know him do we?
Hm, he could entertain them in a way. I am not sure if I understand you. Do you mean something like this: “Hostesses entertain customers not only by singing and dancing on stage but by also providing lively conversation in the hybrid language of English-Tagalog – Japanese”
attend/attend to:
attend to somebody/something
to deal with somebody/something; to take care of somebody/something
I have some urgent business to attend to.
A nurse attended to his needs constantly. (British English, formal)
Are you being attended to, Sir? (= for example, in a shop).
attend – [transitive] attend somebody (formal) to be with somebody and help them
The President was attended by several members of his staff.
I would rephrase the sentence: “The shopkeeper after entertaining other customers turned towards her to attend her. “ as follows:
Having attended to other customers, the shopkeeper turned towards her.
‘ration’ is countable or singular. You can use ‘some’ if you mean a particular ration – e.g. the amount of food agreed upon. Otherwise, you should write ‘a ration of food’.
There is an idiom ‘call a spade a spade.
So your sentence should be rephrased as follows:
“the shopkeeper not only refused spades a spade but also reproached her.” –
The shopkeeper not only refused by calling a spade a spade/without ceremony but also reproached her.
Or perhaps it would be more logical: Not only did the shopkeeper refuse her without any ceremony, but also called a spade a spade by reproaching her for begging.
I think his refusal is not the same as his opinion, that’s why I would prefer to use the idiom ‘call a spade a spade’ in the second part.
call a spade a spade
to say exactly what you think without trying to hide your opinion
Cf. These mini-Claudiuses at least have the merit of not pretending grief, and their wit calls a spade a spade by asserting the absoluteness of law and power, and of class distinctions even in death.
I guess you mean ‘empty-handed’:
empty-handed
adjective
[not usually before noun]
without getting what you wanted; without taking something to somebody
The robbers fled empty-handed.
She visited every Sunday and never arrived empty-handed.
The meaning of ‘bare hands’ is different:
with your bare hands
without weapons or tools
He was capable of killing a man with his bare hands.
We pulled the wall down with our bare hands.
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On one hand the suffering from the asunder of the death of the father and on the other hand successive starvation collectively made the eight year old child sick, he lost his spirit and took to bed.
————
‘Asunder’ can be an adverb or an adjective. In your sentence it is a noun: http://www.thefreedictionary.com/asunder
Cf. ‘This chapter receives its title from the statement made in the opening verse as to the bursting asunder of the cloud.” = burst asunder (adv.) of the cloud
the eight-year-old child – hyphens
To lose your spirit – you can write so, but it has a specific meaning – a person without a spirit is a person without his/her soul
Cf. “They say, ‘Our companion has lost his spirit! He has become a person without a spirit !’ – e.g. demons robbed him of his soul.
I guess you mean that the child lost his vivacity, in other words, his mood deteriorated
‘spirits’ mean ‘mood’ but only in plural: http://oald8.oxfordlearnersdictionaries.com/dictionary/spirit
“Collectively’ is not necessary and doesn’t sound good together with ‘on the one hand’. If you write ‘on the one hand’ and ‘ on the other hand’ you mean a contrast. If you employ ‘collectively’ you treat things you are talking about as conjoined. So you see, these two expressions exclude each other.:
cf. (on the one hand…) on the other (hand)…
used to introduce different points of view, ideas, etc, especially when they are opposites
On the one hand they’d love to have kids, but on the other, they don’t want to give up their freedom.
Besides, I wouldn’t employ word ‘collectively’ in this context anyway. I think the construction with ‘both’ is widely used.
“On one hand the suffering from the asunder of the death of the father and on the other hand successive starvation collectively made the eight year old child sick, he lost his spirit and took to bed.” – rephrased as
“Grief-striken by his father’s death and exhausted by starvation that followed it, he lost his vitality and took to bed.”
Of course you could write it in many other ways.
“Both the pain caused by his father’s death and the starvation that followed it made the child sick. His spirits sank and he took to bed.”
“On the one hand, the child suffered after his father’s death. On the other, raving hunger preyed on his strength. As a result, he succumbed to hardships and fell ill.” – I can oppose mental and physical suffering.
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What to speak of medication there was not even a morsel top eat = to eat
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see ‘what to speak’ – http://books.google.pl/books?id=gB8I0a7cesIC&pg=PA86&lpg=PA86&dq=%22what+to+speak+of%22&source=bl&ots=DYPwQ_SxVU&sig=NoZGzlrwzQj2Lw4LsnSccrWlpGk&hl=pl&sa=X&ei=p0VCUIfHK4fdtAb-loHgDw&ved=0CCwQ6AEwAA#v=onepage&q=%22what%20to%20speak%20of%22&f=false
not to speak of something (slightly formal)
and possibly even more importantly It’s hard to imagine a country that would use those weapons on its own people, not to speak of its neighbors.
Usage notes: used to introduce and emphasize another possibility
Rephrased:
There was no morsel of food left, not to speak of medication.
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All four (mother and her three children) were sitting on a couch. The mother was putting a wet kerchief on the forehead of the eight-year -old child who was drenched in high fever, whereas a five-year-old sister was also attending her brother.
———–
“who was drenched in high fever, whereas a five-year-old sister was also attending her brother.”
rephrased:
who drenched in sweat, was shivering with high fever, whereas a five-year-old sister was also attending to her brother.”
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Suddenly she got up, came to her mother and whispered in her ear. “Mother! When will brother die?” On hearing this dagger runs through her (mother) heart.
She dashed her head with her side and asked,” my child what are you saying?”
– I don’t understand this. What did she?
————
Finally, I have found a similar example: “On hearing this, a sudden thought of being serviceable to these ladies came into my head, and I was going to ask a question in relation to it, when two horsemen rode up to the door, and one of them called House?”
“On hearing this, a deep blush succeeded her former paleness, and, unused to falsehood, she covered her face with both her hands, and was silent. ” I arose, as she still knelt to me, and moving to the other end of the room, ‘”
So your sentence would be OK, but with an article: “On hearing this, a dagger runs through her heart.”
Here you have the BBC thread: http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/mble/NF2712585?thread=8379149&post=113605828#p113605828
“These words pierced the mother’s heart like a dagger.”
Or “These dagger-like words cut deeply into her heart.”
Or “On hearing this she trembled in anguish.”
She dashed her head with her side and asked,” – rephrased:
She drew the child’s head to her bosom and asked.
“Dash” isn’t suitable in this context. It suggests violence. Besides, you have used ‘her’ two times so I didn’t know whose head you had meant. 🙂
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The girl with infancy said, yes, mother, we have something to eat only when brother will die”.
————
“Infancy” means ‘childhood’. I am not sure what you would like to say.
Perhaps “The girl in her innocence..”
The incorrect syntax: ‘will’ after ‘when’. You should write as follows:
“We will have something to eat only when my brother dies.”
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If we take a fancy to our neighborhood, we will have more than one such story scattered around us.
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‘take a fancy to’ means ‘develop a fondness’ so I am wondering if this is a right expression provided that stories to be heard about are rather tragic. Hm, would you be fond of them? I suppose not.
In fact, stories can be scattered e.g. in literary works. I can say “many anecdotes are scattered in his diaries”. But stories can’t be scattered directly in the neighbourhood. It is a human narrator who observes reality and tells us stories.
Perhaps: “If we take a closer look at our neighbourhood, we will discover many similar tragedies.”
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I am saying it with very apologetically that our society has become cold hearted and are dead worshippers.
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“I am saying it with very apologetically” – hm, I am sure this is not correct but I don’t know what you would like to say. Why should you apologise for the society? “With very apologetically” doesn’t make any sense.
cold-hearted – hyphen
“and are dead worshippers.” – who? – you have jumped from the singular (society) to the plural.
rephrased: “Our society full of dead worshippers has become cold-hearted.”
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No one inquires after an old man in his life, when the same old man passes away then his lips are greased with ghee to pretend that the old man died luxuriously.
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1.No one inquires after an old man when he lives. But the fellowmen welcome his death by greasing his lips with ghee in order to pretend that he died luxuriously.
2.But when the same old man has passed away, his lips are being greased with ghee, which makes the impression of luxurious death.
I have rephrased it a bit because it was unclear to me who wanted to pretend that he had died luxuriously. In other words, I think that an agent for the verb ‘pretend’ is missing (this can’t be lips of course)
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Perhaps Saddat Hassan Manto has narrated this story that there came a starving person in any dwelling.
—————-
Why ‘perhaps’?
Manto has told us/narrated a story of a starving person who was in search for any dwelling.
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He kept on begging for something to eat, but no one bounty him anything to eat.
———-
“Bounty” is not a verb. Where do you have a predicate in this sentence?
Perhaps: “No one was generous enough to give him something to eat.”
Or to avoid repetition: “no one was willing to show a little generosity.”
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At night he lied down on the pavement in front of a shop. In the morning people found him dead. Now Muslim’s Islamic spirit awoke.
————-
One singular: Muslim’s???
You may want to leave ‘Muslim’ out, I think. Or: “Muslims’ Islamic spirit”/ Muslim (adjective) Islamic spirit
——————
Subscription was raised in bazaar and cauldrons were put on fire.
———-
in a bazaar
————-
On witnessing this scene a man said, “Now you are putting cauldrons on fire. Had you given some morsels to eat, he would not have died”.
Last days a person put oblation on a shrine of Rs 10000, where many children were wondering there wearing either the top deprived of bottom and vice versa.
———–
I don’t understand this sentence. “Top deprived of bottom”??? Please explain it to me.
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Recently, someone offered/made an oblation of 10000 Rs at a shrine. At the same time many children poorly dressed were wandering/loitering there. Their clothes were often incomplete. They had to content themselves either with a bottom or with a top.
You can say ‘his last day’ – before his death, but in this context I would use ‘recently’ or ‘not a long time ago’.
There are many passage with ‘offer an oblation’ or ‘make an oblation’. You can put an oblation into fire but I don’t think you mean this.
Hazrat Mujdded Alif Sani used to narrate alive deserve more of the oblation that you put on shrine than the dead.
————
Rephrased:
Hazrat Mujdded Alif Sani used to remind us that more oblations at shrines should be offered for the living than for the dead.
‘narrate’ – rather a story and this is not a story, this is nothing but advice.
‘at a shrine’ is more common than ‘on a shrine’
“alive” can’t be a subject of a sentence. At first I thought that Sani was alive. Please analyse the syntax:
living; not dead
We don’t know whether he’s alive or dead.
Is your mother still alive?
Doctors kept the baby alive for six weeks.
I was glad to hear you’re alive and well.
She had to steal food just to stay alive.
He was buried alive in the earthquake.
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A man went on protesting along with his wife and children for his paid off amount, but no one turned a deaf ear to his protesting.
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I don’t think ‘pay off’ is a suitable word here. I guess you mean that he hasn’t received his salary or so?
Perhaps: “A man who didn’t receive his salary went on protesting along with his wife and children.”
pay somebody off
1 to pay somebody what they have earned and tell them to leave their job
The crew were paid off as soon as the ship docked.
2 (informal) to give somebody money to prevent them from doing something or talking about something illegal or dishonest that you have done
All the witnesses had been paid off. related noun pay-off
pay something off
to finish paying money owed for something
We paid off our mortgage after fifteen years.
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Being so depressed he committed suicide. On that all the amount was paid (Asla!).
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after that
————-
Is our spirit of faith only for dead?
————
I see ‘be for’: in support of somebody/something
Are you for or against the proposal?They voted for independence in a referendum.
There’s a strong case for postponing the exam.
I’m all for people having fun.
‘What does Naomi think about the move?’ ‘She’s all for it.’
but I have the feeling that your sentence is a bit unclear.
Perhaps: Does the spirit of faith compel us to charity for nobody but the dead?”
or: “Is our spirit of faith all for the dead?”
Note: the dead – dead people
cf. the French – Frenchmen
the British – Brits
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Please! Regard those who are living around you.
